Saturday, August 18, 2007

The Adventures of Monkey Boy...

I was sound asleep when the tones went off. I cracked open one eye and listened to the dispatcher give out the call. 24 year old male. Abdominal pain. Great.

I get up, put my uniform shirt on and make my way to the truck. My partner was right behind me. We drove out to the middle of nowhere to a single wide trailer with crap laying everywhere all around it. Up the rickety steps, inside the house and we see our patient. A rescue squad member that I knew was trying unsuccessfully to get a blood pressure on the guy, yelling at him to sit still.

It wasn't working. Our patient was rolling around on the couch yelling. At first I couldn't understand what he was saying, then it came clear.

"My belly button is gonna fall out!"

I tried to keep from snickering and took a look at my partner and saw that he was trying to do the same. I made my way through the trash heap that was the living room to the guy. Then started in on my assessment.

He was indeed a 24 year old male that said he was having abdominal pain. He had went to the local hospital earlier that day with the same complaint and was sent home. He had been having this pain for 2 months, non-stop, with no relief. I started to ask him the pain scale thing and didn't even get 2 words out of my mouth before he screamed 12! 12! it's a 12! I took it that he had heard that question before. Wonderful. No other medical problems and no medications. At least none that were prescribed by a physician. Although he did have some laying on the table next to the couch that must have been prescribed by the local ABC store and his trusty neighborhood chemist. There was a definite odor of alcohol around him and his beard, mustache, nose hairs and eyebrows were singed.

As we started to get him up and make our way to the stretcher he stated something that I hadn't heard before.

"I think I swallowed a monkey and he is trying to eat his way out of my stomach!"

What? I must have heard that wrong. Nope. I heard it right. He kept saying it all 18 minutes of the transport. He wasn't sure how he swallowed the monkey or even when this supposedly happened. But that was his story and he was sticking to it.

Now before you, dear reader, get your panties in a bunch, I did do a full assessment. As much as he would allow. I could find nothing else wrong with him. All his vitals were fine, ECG looked good and there was no pain when I palpated his abdomen. Further evaluation revealed...well...nothing.

Then I began with further questioning. Like, have you been to any foreign countries where monkeys are native? What about the zoo? Have you fed the monkey in your belly lately? What does he like to eat? Is it male or a female monkey? (I was worried that maybe the primate inside his abdomen could be pregnant). What type of monkey was it? I mean I had to know what we were dealing with. Was it a small cute one, or a big hairy orangutan? Important questions that a thorough Paramedic like myself needs to know.

Needless to say that he didn't know any of the answers to the important questions. He didn't know what type/size it was, how it got in there or what it liked to eat, since he hadn't eaten in 3 days. All he knew was that it was inside of him and wanted to get out. That is what was causing his pain and he wanted help.

For my part, I took him to the hospital to get him that help. Although I didn't think they had a veterinarian on call.

The nurses all groaned when they saw him. They remembered him. But I lifted their spirits when I told them of his new complaint.

That's one thing I love about this job, you never know who you're gonna meet and what they are gonna say. Till next time...



Ambulance Driver said...

I detect an emerging streak of smartass in you, BRM.

I like it. ;)

Medic 61 said...

Aren't calls like that fantastic? I nearly laughed at the bit with the monkey questions--priceless!

Thank you for the link! I was actually reading a few of your posts last night, and I was very pleasantly surprised. I'll be linking you as well.

Thanks again for the comment!

Medic 61 said...

Forgive me, BRM:
I did not "nearly" laugh. I nearly "laughed myself out of my chair." Sometimes, I get so excited when typing that I leave important words out.

I was definitely laughing the whole time :)


Kiki B. said...

I do believe the last time I checked, that you're supposed to COOK the monkey before you eat it. *sigh* Some people can be so dumb. ;-) I hope they did some pt education before he left the ER, and gave him a nice recipe for Roasted Monkey. That should help him out in the future. Of course, with singed eyebrows, etc., I would dare say that he sounds adept at cooking something, even if it wasn't Monkey.

Medic 61 said...

Thanks BRM!
I don't know how else to respond other than in your blog...I'm such a newbie :)

I just found out last week that I passed my EMT exam for the state! So now I'm an EMT-B, haha! This all took place in my last school year, and I'm just now getting around to writing about it, so I'm playing a little catch-up!

Anonymous said...

That’s great!! I had one similar to that the other day. My PT had an alien jumping out of his chest. I which in turn told him he didn’t need a paramedic he needed the X-files… The pt did not ejoy my response, but the ER staff found it rather funny..

Loving Annie said...

unladylike snort :)
I like the dry sense of humor... You can monkey around about things like that anytime you like, Blue Ridge !

NYC EMS said...

I was thinking ...well Im sure they will know him in the ER.....They allway do!

Loving Annie said...

Just dropped by to say hello on Thursday the 23rd, Blue Ridge, and see what was new with you.
Hope that all is okay --

Loving Annie

HollyB said...

With a Chief Compplaint of "a monkey in my stomach trying to eat his way out" couldn't the ER have turfed him to the psych unit for delusions? I'm just trying to work smarter, not Law Dog's Sheriff was always tellin' him.

Jaime said...

This had me cracking up! I wish I could have been a fly on the wall to see it myself. ;)